Hello friends!
I hope these past couple of weeks have treated you well. If you've been following along on my IG account you know that I've been wanting to blog about communication. So let's get right to it.
Communication is obviously something we do every day, all day. We communicate to the people around us, close & distant, with our words, actions, choices, facial expressions, and so on. So needless to say, communication is important. It's vital really. If you're not intentionally trying to practice good communication then it's likely you may be experiencing some dysfunction in your relationships with others. Now, that's not to say good communication fixes everything, but it sure does make the path to healthy relationships and a healthy life a heck of a lot easier.
I think the first thing we need to understand about communication is that, everyone does it differently. It all depends on what kind of family or home culture you grew up in. I grew up in a family where we just laid it all on the table. My mother was very transparent and honest with us from a young age. We were also allowed to share our own opinions. Something I cherish now as an adult. I didn't know until I got into late high school, early college years that other people's parents just weren't like that. Sharing a differing opinion of any kind for some was looked upon as disrespectful & dishonoring. Now, in no way were my brother & I ever allowed to mouth or be disrespectful but, we were taught to think for ourselves, find solutions for ourselves, form and share our own ideas. It's definitely a big practice that's made me who I am today. #thanksmom
Like I mentioned earlier, as I became older and made my way into adulthood I found that others did not share in this experience. Even some people that I grew up with. So just like the way my communication skills were formed from my upbringing and experiences, so were theirs. I'm sure we all know this now but, hey we all think and process differently. That's okay, but it's important to come to a place where we can communicate past those differences.
"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it" -Robert Frost
Some people feel like they can't or don't know how to say anything! Some know exactly what they want to say but feel misunderstood. And I'm sure there are people somewhere in between.
I first started really working on my communication the year Jarrod & I were engaged. We had started pre marital counseling where we of course had focused on it through that process but we also read a book called, "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Silk. This book was an amazing tool, the thing I loved most about it is how it coaches you through setting up healthy boundaries with others while still keeping love in & communicating in a healthy way.
The second tool I found immensely helpful was the Enneagram test. I know it has recently become a trend to find your enneagram & share those adorable IG posts that content creators make, but the Enneagram has been around for a long time.
When someone first shared it with me I was stand offish, I have never really liked personality tests of any kind. It started in middle school, and every time I've taken one since then it's been a nightmare. It's not because of the results I get, but more the response those around me made or what was done with the results once I finished. But-the enneagram is different. It does ask you a set of questions to determine your personality type, but the results and descriptors are benign, meaning, they're not good or bad, they just are! It shows you what motivates you in actions, communication, and relationships. It also shows you how your personality operates when you're at your best & at your worst. If you haven't found your enneagram number yet I suggest the following
Enneagram Test
Read the 9 types (here is a link to the institute page) https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions
After reading choose which one you identify with the most, remember even statements that may feel or sound negative about your personality actually aren't, it may just be how you operate.
Have your spouse, close friend, parent, your "person" also read through the types & share where which they think you may be. Have a discussion about why they think that & how you see yourself.
THEN take the test (here's the link for the test, you can take one through the institute but it does charge you, this one is free!) https://www.truity.com/test/enneagram-personality-test
Read through your results, look at your motivators, your wings, what it looks like when you're at your best & worst. If you or your person don't feel this is the right fit then maybe try again, but I haven't met a single person yet that feels that way towards the enneagram
P.S. I'm a six!
Now, you may be thinking, "Okay, cool I have all these tools and results and info but I've done that before. I've identified the areas I struggle in, or find unhealthy. Now what?"
Put it into practice!!! Below are some communication expectations I have set for myself, I hope it helps you too!
Disclaimer: I in no way claim to be perfect at this at any time, but like all of you good people I try my best. I'm grateful people in my life that give me grace & love. Shout out to you Jarrod Younge xoxo
Look at the heart: When communicating with people around me I always look at the motivation or "heart" of the message. For example, & it's a basic one, but you'll get the point. When I tell Brooks, "Leave that alone please." It's not because I'm a fun squasher it's because he will likely get hurt. My heart is for him to stay safe & calm. Think about that when you talk to people, ask yourself, "Why am I saying this?", is it to fix a problem, share a feeling, make a connection. If you feel your motivation may be negative or hurtful, or an opportunity to be "right" stop & think if this is the time to say that, & should you be saying it. Also think about people's heart when they are communicating to you! For example, when your boss posts a memo or asks you to do something you don't like. Don't immediately assume they are trying to change or control you. Assess what the heart is! Are they trying to make a change for the betterment of the group?
It's not all about you: Often times, & especially in conversations with stress or conflict we, as humans, think it's all about us. Weather it be our fault, or that a thought was directed towards us, or someone is mad at us. While there are certainly times things are about us. I would say 80ish percent of the time, it's not!!!! People have bad days, hard circumstances, baggage, dysfunction of their own. We're all just trying to be our best selves, right? The next time you feel a negative comment or statement was intentionally about or towards you take the time to consider that person. If it's someone you're close to then you likely know what's going on. If it's not, like a co worker then be kind enough to ask, "Hello _____, I just wanted to check in with you. I felt there may be something wrong between us & I want to make sure our lines of communication are open, is there anything we need to talk about or go over?" Be direct, clear, and compassionate.
Assume the best/Last Word: If you have had conflict with someone & you were bold enough to address them, first off good job! Secondly, if the conflict or tension continues you have to make choices going forward off of their last word. If they said things were great then take them at their word! Now... if it continues to the point of jepordizing the relationship then I may would check back in. If it's someone you aren't close to or aren't in relationship with you may just have to let it go!
Fences aren't just for keeping stuff out, they're for keeping stuff in: Boundaries are good. Let me say that a little louder for the people in the back, B O U N D A R I E S are G O O D. I think many people think a boundary is the choice to be closed off, secluded, & well rude! But that's just not true if you've chosen to set them in a healthy way. Here's an example... I love to help! Really love it. Friends, family, co workers, anyone. I want people to feel happy, appreciated & loved. Unfortunately this beautiful little gift can get me into deep trouble, or even worse some people may manipulate this gift. I found myself in dramatic conversations taking on the stress of others, I also found myself being stretched WAY too thin for time! I HAD to set a boundary. I didn't write a long e-mail to family & friends I just made healthier choices. When people came to me with problems I would think before responding, if I felt like I really needed to offer advice I would. But, if they were just coming to me out of habit hoping I would fix the issue then I just listened with no response. See, the people in your life rely on your habits just like you do. If you're constantly fixing things for someone then they never have the opportunity to do it for themselves, now they're unhealthy too! It's great to help people,& I still do, but it's also ok to help yourself & to know when to take a step back from a situation.
Community: Community is key! This may sound odd, but you really don't have to be friends with everyone. It's ok to be picky with your community. There's obviously no reason to be unkind or exclusive but it is most certainly alright to have an inner circle. All great people have their "person". That one guy or gal that's gonna listen & then give it to you straight. The person that will walk along side you in good or bad, and their goal is to be a healthy person too! Find these people in your life, love them, hold onto them, be intentional with them. Now, there's no need to completely cut out anyone who doesn't fit that spot!! You can still be in relationship with them too. It's just going to look & sound different. The boundaries & expectations you have for them won't be the same as they are for the people in your close community, that's ok too.
To sum it all up, listen, understand, have a good heart, make healthy emotional choices, give feedback when necessary but above all. Love.
Drink coffee & Do good
-B.